I know no one reads this, and I never update, but I just remembered I have this journal, and it might be the perfect place to rant and whine about my hopeless crush and the way my pastor ripped my heart out last week.

I hate being home

Okay. I'm home for Christmas, and right now, I'm hating it. All that happens is fighting. Between everyone! Mom and sister, Dad and sister, me and sister, friend and sister (noticing a pattern?). But I also kinda hate being at school, because I'm all alone all the time. Which also sucks.

Yeah. So I'm irritated right now. But! It's Christmas Eve, so that's good. Right? Yeah.

I haven't been using this very regularly, just when I'm extremely bored and/or upset. Right now I'm on my sister's computer, so she'll probably find this in her history and stuff. But I don't care right now.

I guess that's it for now. I feel better after letting off the steam.~

Tuesday morning

10:56
Hey everybody! It's Tuesday morning and I'm feeling pretty dang good. I went to bed at eleven last night, which is two hours earlier than my average, I got up when the alarm went off, I only have one class and a piano lesson today, and, even though I'm really hungry, I'm happy right now!

I'm listening to the Shrek soundtrack, which has a couple of sadish songs on it, but some real excited ones too.

...Anyway. I'm going home tomorrow for fall break. I can't wait! I'll be surprising my sister by being home earlier than expected, and I'm buying a camcorder on the way home! I can FINALLY start vloging! I'm so excited.

Monday is my favorite day of the week, did you know? Now hang on, before you lable me as insane, listen to my reasons.

I hate getting up in the morning, like lots of other people. I have to get up at eight-thirty, and that's pushing it. But I get to eat breakfast, usually. I (did but now am not so sure I do) like my poli-sci class and my history class. I have two hours I can call my mom if I want. I love Spanish (I always think in Spanish for a little while afterwards). I hate math though, but it's easy.

All those things would make Monday average. Like Wednesday. Friday's good because it's the last day of the week, Thursday's good because I only have one class. Tuesday's good because there's one class and the piano lesson. Saturday and Sunday are good because it's the weekend and I can sleep when I want (this tends to be all day because I'm up all night). But Monday is the best because of one thing.

Monday Night Fellowship. I go and join other Christians on campus and we celebrate and worship, and it makes me feel wonderful. I love it and it makes Monday the best day ever created.

I guess that's it. I'm thinking about making another blog to keep notes of spiritual things that happen to me, because I was inspired last night to maybe write a book about these fellowship gatherings. So I'm going to keep notes.

Thanks for reading, and take care til next time.~
11:12

Today

Okay. So, today is good. Poli-sci wasn't as bad as it's been and history was semi-interesting. The subject of our attention is just a bit boring in this particular class right now. Actually, it was interesting, I was just distracted by this fic. We're covering the Refremation in Europe in the 1500s.

I just got off the phone with my mom and dad. I had a huge discussion about economics with my dad. Well, it started out that way. Then it became a lecture that I only half-caught. Fall break starts next Thursday, so I'll be going home on Wednesday afternoon! I'm so excited, because my sister, some friends, and I are going to see the second Death Note movie. We saw the first one, which was awesome even if the lip-synching didn't match perfectly. The actors said all the names right!! ...Except for one. Light-kun's name. The American's just couldn't do it. But it was okay because the rest was amazing!!!

Feeling good today. Happy(ish), a little hungry, have Spanish and math later, plus piano practice. I'm going to see a musical tonight, "Into the Woods". The theater group is putting it on and it should be good.

A friend might stay the night in my dorm after the show. I'm kinda excited about that.

I've considered sending my therapist a link to this, so she can see it and know what I'm thinking on a more day-to-day basis, rather than just what I'm thinking when I see her. I'm usually really happy when I visit, because I love being able to see and talk to her. So, this might be good for her to look at.

But I fear that I may become less honest if I knew she were reading it. Oh well. I'll see what happens. I think that's it for now. Take care.

TTFN, ta-ta for now.~
12:03

Feeling better

3:20
Well, today is not as bad. I made it to my only class and took a test. I actually like test days, because if I get done quickly I can leave early. Today I was the last one finished, but it didn't matter, because I like the class and the teacher.

Actually, I'm thinking about dropping piano next semester and taking voice with my FYE teacher. I'm unnerved by my piano teacher, but I really like Dr. Shuetz.

I haven't eaten much today, but that's because the dinning hall wasn't serving hot lunch by the time I got there, so I had to find my own food. I did eat, just not tons.

And I'm not inccesently bored! Wow. For the first time since I started this, I'm not bored. Well, I wasn't bored last night when I was talking to my sister, and it just carried over to today. I'm working on a story that came to mind last night.

I did mention I write fanfiction, didn't I? For those of you who don't know, fanfiction is...fiction, written by...fans. Yep. Pretty self-explanitory. We take our favorite series (i.e. harry potter, naruto, fma, death note, csi, lotr, ect.) and shove our favorite characters from it into any situation that pops into our heads. That's us. Fanfiction authers.

I'm feeling good today. Actually happy. Yay!

I'm waiting impatiently for my sister to get on Skype so she can help me with my fic, because Mello's boyfriend and B needs names.

owie. I have this pain in my stomach right now. Like it's trying to eat itself. It really hurts.

...That's all I've got for now. Take care!~
3:28

Anyone else noticing a pattern?

2:37
I guess not, since I'm the only one reading this anyway. But I appear to be utterly bored today. Y'know, since this is only my third post today. Crazy, huh?

Anyway, I have about twenty minutes til class and nothing else to do. Absolutely nothing. Well... I could do my Spanish homework or practice piano, but I'm just not in the mood. Which reminds me:

I went to practice piano after Spanish, like usual, but the room with my favorite piano was being used. By someone playing a wind instrument of some sort, like clarinet or something. Not cool. Then, I only practiced for about twenty minutes. Normally I've been staying locked up in a little room with just me, the piano, and the random boys coming in to get to their lockers for closer to forty minutes. Maybe my practicing of the music for my lesson might not be that long, but I often just play whatever I want afterwords. But today I had not interest in doing so. I'm sure I didn't play as long as I normally do.

*sigh* ...I'm hungry. And bored. And thus bothering you. Thank you for tolerating this horribleness from me. I feel terrible. Ish. But whatever. I guess that's it and I should go up to class now. So, take care til next time I come to bore your brains out.~
2:45

Boredom rules all.

11:07
I noticed this morning, after posting the last blog, that the time the site shows is when I start the blog, not when I finish and post. So I've decided to put the times at the beginning and ending to see how long it actually takes and when I actually finished.

Still bored stupid but not thinking about dying anymore. An improvement, I think. Our pop machines just got restocked. I was walking to my dorm building and saw the Coke truck pulling out of the back parking lot and thought 'I think the pop machines got filled'. So I baught a Coke. Now, when it comes to Coke vs. Pepsi, I'm usually a water person, but I haven't had any thick, syrupy, artificially flavored, sugar filled liquids in several weeks, so I've decided to indulge. And it is good.

So. Perhaps some of you remember that I'm on medication. What kind? Citalopram, an anti-depressant. Oh yeah, you say. That makes sense, since she told us she's depressed. But, why am I depressed, you ask? To be honest, I have no effing clue. I just am. Before we start, I need to let you know that what I'll write may bother you as there will likely be mention of blood. Here's what I remember of what's happened in the past three years:

Tenth grade, February.
The winter Olympics were going on, I was in Health and Science with the same teacher back-to-back, Health had too many students and, as the last one alphabetically, I had to sit at the table next to his desk and turn completely around to stare at his back during lectures. Yay.

I began to do odd things. In Science one day, I began biting my nails. This was strange because that habit had been broken on my braces that had only come off at the start of the school year. Later on, I did this at home and my mom noticed and asked. I honestly didn't know why.
In English one day I was taking a test and the thought of jabbing my pencil through my hand came to mind. I did not like this idea. It scared the crap out of me.

Mostly I was scared because a bunch of stuff was going on. The nail biting, the vivid image of the pencil in my hand, and some other off-putting thoughts. If these things had been more spaced out or increased their frequency more slowly, I wouldn't have been worried, but it all happened at once. I didn't know what to do.

I wanted to tell my teacher, but this was first period. More students would be coming in and I had another class to go to. So at some point I decided to tell my History teacher. Partly because that was my last class and partly because I really liked and trusted him. When I finally write a book there will be a dedication to him.

But how to tell him? "Mr. Bocian, this morning I thought about hurting myself"? Just saying it seemed too hard, so I wrote a note. I left it for him, but he didn't find it that day. Which, honestly, was my fault. The next morning I went in and picked it up before a student found it. The rest of the day I was thinking about it. How to get it to him?

In class that day we were taking a quiz or a test. I couldn't focus. I was just sitting, staring at him, wishing he would look at me and ask what was wrong. Or just know. Or something. Then he looked at me. And asked if he could help me or something (I can't remember exactly). I stood up, went to his desk, put down the note, and then took my quiz. After a few minutes he said my name and told me he would talk to me after class.

I'm aware that the note was very self-pitying and full of low-self-esteem and guilt-tripping techniques. I was aware of it when I gave it to him. I didn't want it to be, but it was how I was feeling. I wrote what had happened the past few days and that I would like to talk to him. That if he didn't want to, I would understand. I felt bad saying these things, because I should have known he would talk to me no matter what, but I didnt' want him to feel obligated, and... I just didn't know what to say.

After class I spoke to him and the vice-principal. My sister came in for a second, wondering where I was, and I told her I'd be there soon. I asked them to call my mom and let her know I needed to talk to her. When we got home she told me Bocian had called but hadn't told what I'd said. The next night, Saturday, I told my mom on the way to my grandma's for the night. Then I started seeing my therapist.

My friends from Middle School weren't paying much attention to me anymore, but I was making friends my sister's age (she was a freshman at the time). For about two and a half years I visited my therapist every other week or so. I was at camp all summer, so visits were more spread out then, and some stuff happened there, too.

I was working in the barn and was trying to help a younger girl with her horse (she was afraid of him and I was trying to...tack? or bridal?) and I got yelled at by a counselor. I really like this counselor but she made me feel like shit. I ended up sitting down somewhere, and to make it worse I then thought of getting drawn and quartered. Drawn and quartered! What is wrong with me?! I ended up crying because I was scared of the thought, though it was more of a picture in my mind because I couldn't put the words 'drawn and quartered' to it then, and I was upset by the way I was treated. I had just been trying to help!

Eventually, like this past winter/spring, I managed to convey to my therapist that these 'suicidal thoughts' were more of 'horrifying images of being injured'. Quite the difference there. She had me visit a coleague who specializes in recognizing disorders like OCD, because she thought that may possibly be what I had.

Well, in the end, I don't have OCD, but I have some tendencies, and I have a mild blood-phobia. I knew that much. If you had asked me anytime in the past ten years to pick a phobia that I might have, I would have said, without much hesitation, "Hemaphobia." It was just obvious to me. But whatever.

So we decided that, if I was going to try meds, I needed to start them sooner than later, because starting a new medication while working at a summer camp or starting college and being away from my therapist would be a bad idea. A very bad idea. The meds made me feel so much better at first. And even for a while after 'at first'. I'm starting to think maybe we should up the dose again, but I don't know.

Anyway... That's pretty much how I got to yesterday. Sometimes I have days like that, where I just hate everything and sorta want to die, and sometimes I have great days, where I love everything and am glad to be alive. Sometimes I have inbetween days, which are the most common, though the 'happy' days are definitely the least common.

...I think that's all I have for now. Still bored and still an hour until class. I guess I'll just be...bored then. Huh. I hate boredom.

Anyway, thanks for reading this crap, and I hope you understand me a little better. If you leave a comment, go ahead and ask me something about my life. Or my beliefs or opinions or something.

Until next time, take care.~
11:56