Hey everybody. Let's get started.

So... What to say? Hi. I'm your host, lonelystar, and welcome to my secret place.

As stated in the 'about me' section of my profile, I'm a college student. I'm also depressed. I've started this out of boredom and a need to talk about what's happening. I went to talk to the school counselor today, even though I just saw her, but she's not here today. I would call home, but I don't want to share with my parents or my sister. Of course, knowing me, I'll end up telling my sister about this. Oh well.

I don't know if anybody's reading this, and I guess it doesn't really matter since, even if you are, you don't know me and I don't know you and we don't care about each other's problems too much. Maybe enough to hold our interestest, maybe leave a comment, maybe watch each other's blogs. But not so much we would be called 'friends'. Not so much we would talk daily or even regularly. Hell, I'm not in regular contact with the people that are my friends. Except my sister. Practically daily on Skype.

Now, I would normally now apologize for getting all 'emo' on you if I were on another site, with people who 'know' me and are my 'friends', or people who actually do know me and are my friends. But I won't. Because I'm not sorry. This is why I made this blog. So I can write down how I feel and what I think. So I can get some feedback from people who don't have a preconcieved idea of me.

That, and I have nothing else of interest to do right now.

So. Why did I decide to do this? I have a livejournal. I have a youtube. I have a myspace and a facebook. I have a sheezyart and a devart. Why not put this crap up there? I already told you: my sister is friended on all of those but facebook. Coworkers and classmates are friended on facebook. Other friends are on myspace and youtube. And I don't want them to hear some of this. Or see it, I suppose.

Why here and not another site? A new account on livejournal? Convinience. I was Googling myself (looking myself up online, pervs), and was just clicking ever thing I could to search. I clicked on 'blogs' and this came up. I didn't know Google had a blogging system. So I decided to try it out.

Why today? Boredom and circumstance. I was here, might as well. I slept through a class today and almost missed my piano lesson. This is the second time I've slept through this class, I've been late to it twice, been late to math, and missed two piano lessons, one by sleeping and the other because I didn't know it was scheduled yet. All that just in a month. It's not good. Because of this, I was thinking to myself about how I hate myself for sleeping through classes and how I hate my life for making me go on living through this crap, which is honestly not as bad as it could be but about as bad as it's ever been for me. That tells you just how good my life really has been.

I almost got hit by a van today. I looked both ways, waited for the cars to pass, crossed halfway, thinking about how much I suck at life, and then realized two vans were coming towards me so I stepped back. I had thought I could cross before they got there and if I hadn't looked up I would have stepped right in front of them. As the second one passed, it thought 'I could have been killed.' I then held a short conversation with myself, which I do often and out loud, about how I could have stepped forward again instead of back and just gotten it over with. Of course, that didn't occur to me until after the incident and did me no good, but I also knew I wouldn't have done it even if it had occurred to me. Because I know I can't kill myself.

After my lesson, which is where I was headed, I thought about the fact that I may be becoming suicidal. I don't really want to kill myself. I don't know how I would do it. I have a knife in my room, for eating so it's not very sharp, and I have my pills and some ibuprofin. yeah, that'll kill me. *eyes roll sarcastically* I only have a week and a half's worth of medicine left, anyway.

That's when I decided I should talk to the counselor, because I needed to tell someone what I was thinking, even if I knew I wouldn't do it. But she isn't here on Tuesdays. I could call home, because my parents have today off from work, but I don't want to tell them this. My sister was still at school at the time, but she would be home now. But I'm not going to tell her either. I wasn't sure what I would do, and then I found this.

It was like God was telling me where I could pour out my emotions and secrets and not be ridiculed. Not be judged. Not be embarrassed. So I am.

That's what I wanted to say today. This is my secret place, where my sister, friends, parents, teachers, and classmates can't find me. It's just me, the keyboard, and anyone who happens to read. So thanks for putting up with me.~